Reflections on my life as I turn down the road to 30....

Next week is my birthday. Tuesday to be exact. I'll be 29.

***DISCLAIMER***This post is a self deprecating rant against myself and my lack of anything. You are forewarned, and continue to read at your own risk***********

I have spent the better part of at least a week being so depressed that it is my birthday, that I have taken little joy in anything, including Christmas. I took no joy in my Xmas tree. No joy in chow. No joy in anything. Of course, there were those minutes when I was happy about something. I was excited to get my new cell phone. I was excited to get a kitchenaid stand mixer (more about that in "The Mood of Food"). I was excited for barstools and to watch everyone open their gifts that I thought long and hard about purchasing. However, not a lot of joy without abandon on my part. Actually, I"ve been downright snarky, cranky, and depressed.
Why you may ask? Because I have been riddled with thoughts of what a LOSER I am and I'm turning 29. One year from 30. What, exactly, do I have to show for that?

Everyone has been telling me that I've accomplished a lot. What, exactly, I ask all of you, have I accomplished? I havent finished school. I will be stuck in my current role for at least 2.5 years while finishing my undergraduate degree (which in itself isnt a bad thing, but I generally have a 2 year shelf life in role before I start to get antsy.). I have no house. I have a car that I pay through the tail for. I have Allie (although she is up for sale to the highest bidder with her attitude lately). What have I accomplished? What milestones have I passed? Have I? Do people have reasons to be proud of me?

My answer to those questions is NOTHING and NO. Niente. Rien. Zilch. Nada.

What do I offer those people close to me? What do I offer Billy? Not much, other than me bitching 99% of the time about one thing or another. My parents? Nothing, other than me bitching 99% of the time. The rest of my family? Nothing really, not even bitching. Why do I bitch? Because I'm unhappy with what I'm offering people, but I dont know how to give more. I'm giving everything I've got, and I dont feel like its enough. Money? Sike. Not enough. Time? Sike. Between school, managing a house (for the most part), work, Allie, and sleep, there is not much of that left. Emotion? I feel like I am an emotional mute lately. I have nothing to offer anyone in that respect. Sharing in my success? What success?. Help? I cant help myself, let alone anyone else. I dont have a lot of true friends, and those I do have, I can count on one hand for people that I know I can reach out to, and even those, I feel as though I'm a bother.

I am feeling so incredibly inadequate. I dont feel pretty enough or thin enough or smart enough.I feel as though the axe is about to fall on me, and I have no way to move out of the way. I feel like i'm pushing everyone away because of my self-deprecating mindset.  I work with a bunch of people who are brilliant (and super nice to boot), but they are 25 years old, and have their whole life totally put togehter. Here I sit, on the brink of 29, with NOTHING. Nothing. NOTHING!

I told my mom earlier that I dont want to celebrate my birthday, and that I've been bummed for a week. I'm debating whether to send this to her to explain. Its really simple for someone to say that its mind over matter, but its not really an accurate statement. Mind is the matter in this case, and no matter how much I try to pull myself out of my birthday funk, I cant seem to. I feel as though I'm waiting for relationships to end and maybe in some subconscious way, I'm hoping they  will, because everyone who I have a relationship with can do so much better than me. They could have someone who is a better friend, pretty, and smart, and provides better.....God Knows I dont.

Did this make me feel better....to just throw all of this out there? No. I wish I was a turtle who could just hide in my shell.

And life goes on....

I dont have much to share....or rather that I can share. I just feel blah. Maybe its because i just ate 3 of my little mozzerella balls. Check out "The Mood of Food" if  you want to know more about my mozzerella balls. Maybe i'm bipolar or something.

blah.

Week one over......

I just finished my first week as a Market Product Analyst. I will say that this week was kind of difficult. Not bad difficult, just different difficult. My Assitant Product Manager is wonderful, and really tried to be sure that I felt at home and comfortable. I do think that I may have had higher expectations of what to expect, or rather what they expected, than they and I do. What I mean is that I think that I felt largely uncomfortable and sketched out because I spent a lot of time in actuarial meetings, where I just felt way over my head.

So, I tihnk that I will feel much better in week two, when my boss is back, and I'm entrenched in some training for rate manual updates and whatnot. I think that I will feel better when I have something to do during the day. And, I think that I'll feel better seeing as it will be week 2, and not the very first week. Maybe there will be a few things that I can sink my teeth into as well.

Do I miss PAC? Yes. i miss the people...Desperately. I miss being subject matter expert. I miss having good ideas, even though they are ignored. I miss that part of it. Do I miss the crazy calls? NO. Do I miss the insantiy? NO.

I think that the other part of my discomfort is that I am not used to having total control over my schedule. It doesnt matter if I oversleep one morning, I can go in a little later. I can work from home. I can go to lunch whereever and whenever my little heart desires.

It truly is a dream job, and a wonderful stepping stone to other things. I cannot wait to start stepping on more stones....I'm incredibly lucky.

Back into Blogging

So I started another blog about food, http://jvmoodoffood.blogspot.com/, which is about food, and this one will remain about me.

Todays topic is something I am looking forward to.

I'm looking forward to being caught up on bills and starting my new job. They come hand in hand, but they are definetly something that I cannot wait for. I'm a frequent flyer to Starbucks and love to eat out, and dammit, I can't wait for the day that I can go otu again, and not feel a twinge of guilt if I buy a venti iced nonfat carmel macchiato, which I currently do. It doesnt stop me, and I allow myself those pleasures, along with an every two month manicure, and hair highlights every 10 weeks. (I LOVE being blonde now as it is, anyway) I will be splurging on a staightening treatment for my hair which will allow me to have pretty hair all the time, not just some of the time. BUT, that has to wait, along with eating out, for some bills to be eliminated and the new job to start.

Officially, as of next saturday, I will be a Market Product Analyst for The Hartford's product management team. My state is Texas. Added bonus? I'll get to go visit my friends, who I miss dearly, and will be able to meet Baby Litchfield. YAYYYYYYY!.

Think I can convince my boss I should go on a research mission to Texas to meet with agents to discuss their ideas for bringing more business our way?

Decisions

I dislike making decisions. I always wonder if I am making the right choice, and how the choice that I make will affect me down the road. I do this with everything, from large life decisions to small, inconsequential, like where togo out on a date with Billy. I am an overanalyzer, which, is starting to make me feel like I"m very boring, and very fustrating.
I came to this realization over the weekend. The first indicator was that I overanalyzed Billy and I going out for an evening. When trying to decide what to do, I honestly sat here for 40 minutes analyzing the cost factors of both options, and how it was bad either way. I defer to Billy on most things, which drives him nuts, and, simply because I dont want to make the deicsion that may be wrong. I think this is a large part of why things with us can be so difficult....i fustrate him, and to be fair to him, i'm annoying as hell when it comes to stuff like htat. it is relatively inconsequential to me what we do, as long as I'm doing it with him. But, he wants me to make a decision, and I cant. Whats more, is I overthink things so much, and overanalyze them so much, that I am taking all of the fun and joy out of my life, and subsequently, his and Allies, and everyone around me.

Bad. Very Bad.

Then, thre are the big decisions, like this potential move to Charlotte. I have looked, analyzed, pro/con listed, cost analysis of EVERYTHING relating to this possible move. I dont  even know if I'm going to get the job, and I sure as hell dont know if i'm going to takeit.

I am an overthinker. And, an overanalyzer. Can I be changed? Can i find the joy in the good things in life without analyzing them to death? Can I save my relationships by changing? (see, I'm doing it again)

What I do....

I am a deal hunter. I do not care whether it is groceries, gas, clothes, electronics. Why am I like this? i am like this because I have expensive tastes and a paupers wallet. I want nice computers and clothes and expensive cars and jewelery, etc.

HOWEVER. Since I am trying to save for a house, I tend to not spend money on those things, or if I do, I try to find it as cheap as humanly possible. I am sharing this because of my wonderful success yesterday, and figured that I would share my winning glory with you.

so. Back in October, I was able to buy a 55" Samsung LCD HDTV with Wifi, etc, for $500 new. in . box. Deal of a century. This is normally a $3000 TV.  ha. I paid 16% of normal cost. YAY ME!

Pork Loin for $1.49/lb. WIN.

Latest and greatest.... Brand new with Tags North Face jacket, in red and black. Normal Retail: 198.00. Purchased on Ebay for $42.00 plus 8.00 shipping.

More to follow. I am the ultimate deal hunter.

New Jobs, Moving, and Dreams, Oh my!

Today's topic was supposed to be about goals, or so my listing of blog topics tells me, however, instead, I'm going to talk about the potential for a huge change in my, Billy's, and Allie's life.

As many of you know, I went to Charlotte about a week and a half ago. I went with my mom, and the purpose of the trip was to give her a feel, but to really also give me a realy feel of the area. The Hartford has an office in Charlotte, and that is where the majority of our commercial underwriting is (the career goal for now).
SO. in 3.5 days, I not only almost bought a condo, but I also got a very good feel of the area, and was able to get a good idea that I would be pretty happy there, as far as climate and cost.

however, when I came back, i decided that for now, I would lay low, and wait for the right time to move. IE, where there was a position for Billy to go to, even though i think that they would allow him to just move right into service. But, life is what happens while youre busy making plans.

On monday, a job was posted, for a small commercial underwriter, which has been the goal for about 2 years now. I have been stalled in my current role for underwriting, as they are looking for sales people who can underwrite, not necessarily a talented underwriter. I wanted to post for the job, but it starts in may, and the timing is not ideal. Billy, being as supportive as he is, told me to post regardless, and he and I will figure out us and Allie and financials.
So, after talking to a lot of people and looking for opinions, I posted for the job. If I get this job, and many people seem to think I will, I will mvoe to Charlotte, NC on the weekend of 05.21. Crappy Timing if you ask me. I might actually have to fly down, and fly back for the next weekend. Its Billys birthday. Unless, I can convince him to come down with me, and fly back on Memorial day. :-). That also being said, Allie will have to stay here until 4th of July weekend, so she can finish school.

So, to add further interest to this, HIG will give me 2k to relocate. I figure that can pay for a hotel for a few days, and then can pay for first months rent and some furniture. One can only hope.

So, I have a question for all of you. Would you move 750 miles away, alone, and wait for your fiance to hopefully come down later? Oh yeah, and away from your familiy too? I"m curious.

A little catch up.....

I haven't been blogging much, because I really fell like I haven't had much to share with the interwebs, but as I sit here this morning, I figure that my blog deserved a a little attention, which is why I'm typing.

So an update. Nothing new and exciting on the work front. Boring, actually. My boss continues to not acknowledge what I do, and I'm starting to get really gustrated. Which means that I am looking at other alternatives. However, they did just hire a new manager, and apparently, I will report to him. Of course, that is not without its concerns, as he is a new manager and really does not know as much about the product and the procedures as jason. However, while I am uncertain what the new manager has in store, or how he manages, I think that this is a good opportunity for me to show someone else what I am capable of.

School. I am now officially a sophmore which is a great accomplishment. I have a 4.0 GPA and was just advised that I made the deans list. I'm sure that many people never dreamed that would happen, and I am even happier that I am proving them wrong. Of course, it is not without its difficulties, as Allie is now refusing to plan for college right after high school. I'm trying to convince her to not be as stupid as me.

I am headed back to Charlotte in 5 days, and I'm planning on flying out of New Haven on Friday. My mom and I both are going, as she seems to think that Charlotte might be a good alternative for them to look at as well. We are looking at a house that I have had my eyes on for about 9 months now, and cannot wait to actually see it in person. The hard part is if i really fall in love with the house, then what. I will say that, my new boss appears to be relatively amenable to the possibility of me working in Charlotte. So. We shall see what happens. I am not making any anythings to anyone. Que Cera Cera...what will be will be.

Anyway, I have to go to the store, andI'm on the prowl for a dresser and a dining room hutch, to house all my kitchen porn. Have to run. I promise I'll blog again soon.

What I believe.......

Thats a loaded blog topic and can mean a lot of things. While I am not particularly religioius, I do believe in a lot of things. I'm not going to make this about religious beliefs, because those are to each their own, and while I believe in God, I do not necessarily reference God in my every day comings and goings. So, here are some of the things that I believe and I believe in.

I believe in hard work. I am a firm believer in workaholicism. Want me to syllabize that for you? work-a-holic-ism. I belive, that in many cases, work comes ahead of most other things. when there is work to be done that comes ahead of vacations. The only time that fluctuates is when you desperately need a mental health day and you cant stand it any more and/or you have a family situation that needs your attention. I believe in working more than 8 hours a day and working hard. Not that there is not time to goof off, but work needs to be important. And, to me it is. Anyone who knows me knows that I believe this in my every day life, and that I am constantly at work. For example, I had a nervous breakdown the other day when it snowed so much that I could not get to work. For a workaholic, that is devastating. it was.

I believe in love. I'm finding out now exactly how to love, and love unconditionally, love without reservations, and love freely. I have always felt as though to love openly, wihtout reservation, showed a lack of control. i'm infamous for keeping relative check on all emotions with the exception of anger and fustration. I'm learning to control those as well in my older, advanced age, but love? Love has always been elusive. At least with how to show it and how to do it...love without abandon. I think that Billy can begin to attest that romantic love, I'm beginning to love freely. My parents? they are starting to realize that I love them freely as well.

I believe in suffering. That does not mean that I suffer. I dont. But, there is a small amount of sufferage. There are things I want...a house, a Kitchen Aid mixer, a Jeep Wrangler, a horse. I have to wait. I have to suffer without them. I have to wait and earn the money for them. I believe that unless you pine for something, and you wait for it, it wont mean as much as if it was just handed to you. Although, there is something to be said about just getting it as well. Depends on what it is,I guess.

I believe in growing up. I believe in not relying on parents for everything. There are parts of me that desperately want and need to move away, to prove to myself and everyone else, that I can and will stand on my own two feet. Without my parents 20 minutes away. Granted, I would miss my family, but in reality, I think that for me to really feel grown up (although, hopefully not looking like i'm old!). I do not want to be associated as my parents daughter. I want to be known as just me and for my own successes and failiures and for my own financial steadfastness.

Lastly, I believe that I'm getting it right. I believe that I'm finding my way in a very difficult world and a more difficult ecomony. I believe that I have what I'm supposed to have and that everything happens for a reason. I believe that I'm destined to do great things. I believe that I keep people in my life who bring value to it.  I believe that without those people in my life, doing what they have done and what they do do, they have made me the person I am. And you know what, I'm ok with that.