Next week is my birthday. Tuesday to be exact. I'll be 29.
***DISCLAIMER***This post is a self deprecating rant against myself and my lack of anything. You are forewarned, and continue to read at your own risk***********
I have spent the better part of at least a week being so depressed that it is my birthday, that I have taken little joy in anything, including Christmas. I took no joy in my Xmas tree. No joy in chow. No joy in anything. Of course, there were those minutes when I was happy about something. I was excited to get my new cell phone. I was excited to get a kitchenaid stand mixer (more about that in "The Mood of Food"). I was excited for barstools and to watch everyone open their gifts that I thought long and hard about purchasing. However, not a lot of joy without abandon on my part. Actually, I"ve been downright snarky, cranky, and depressed.
Why you may ask? Because I have been riddled with thoughts of what a LOSER I am and I'm turning 29. One year from 30. What, exactly, do I have to show for that?
Everyone has been telling me that I've accomplished a lot. What, exactly, I ask all of you, have I accomplished? I havent finished school. I will be stuck in my current role for at least 2.5 years while finishing my undergraduate degree (which in itself isnt a bad thing, but I generally have a 2 year shelf life in role before I start to get antsy.). I have no house. I have a car that I pay through the tail for. I have Allie (although she is up for sale to the highest bidder with her attitude lately). What have I accomplished? What milestones have I passed? Have I? Do people have reasons to be proud of me?
My answer to those questions is NOTHING and NO. Niente. Rien. Zilch. Nada.
What do I offer those people close to me? What do I offer Billy? Not much, other than me bitching 99% of the time about one thing or another. My parents? Nothing, other than me bitching 99% of the time. The rest of my family? Nothing really, not even bitching. Why do I bitch? Because I'm unhappy with what I'm offering people, but I dont know how to give more. I'm giving everything I've got, and I dont feel like its enough. Money? Sike. Not enough. Time? Sike. Between school, managing a house (for the most part), work, Allie, and sleep, there is not much of that left. Emotion? I feel like I am an emotional mute lately. I have nothing to offer anyone in that respect. Sharing in my success? What success?. Help? I cant help myself, let alone anyone else. I dont have a lot of true friends, and those I do have, I can count on one hand for people that I know I can reach out to, and even those, I feel as though I'm a bother.
I am feeling so incredibly inadequate. I dont feel pretty enough or thin enough or smart enough.I feel as though the axe is about to fall on me, and I have no way to move out of the way. I feel like i'm pushing everyone away because of my self-deprecating mindset. I work with a bunch of people who are brilliant (and super nice to boot), but they are 25 years old, and have their whole life totally put togehter. Here I sit, on the brink of 29, with NOTHING. Nothing. NOTHING!
I told my mom earlier that I dont want to celebrate my birthday, and that I've been bummed for a week. I'm debating whether to send this to her to explain. Its really simple for someone to say that its mind over matter, but its not really an accurate statement. Mind is the matter in this case, and no matter how much I try to pull myself out of my birthday funk, I cant seem to. I feel as though I'm waiting for relationships to end and maybe in some subconscious way, I'm hoping they will, because everyone who I have a relationship with can do so much better than me. They could have someone who is a better friend, pretty, and smart, and provides better.....God Knows I dont.
Did this make me feel better....to just throw all of this out there? No. I wish I was a turtle who could just hide in my shell.
