Bucket List

I was thinking this morning that I am officially middle aged. I pluck grey hair with tweezers when I see them. I am a parent to a teenager, which means that I am also known as Uber. I'm mid career (13+ years in insurance..). And, well, numbers don't lie. I'm 35.


Aside from contemplating my demise, which is the only possible thing that anything or mostly everything after 35 can be, I realize that there are so many places I want to see...things I want to do. I thought it was a good time to actually put my bucket list down to the interwebs, so I can look back on this and actually  maybe do some of the things.


Lets see.


- Go to Chicago and have an official deep dish pizza at a place recommended by locals


- Go to New Orleans. I don't need or want to go during Mardi Gras, I just want to eat po boys and gumbo and jambalaya. And beignets.


- Go to Iceland


- See puffins (I've been told they are in Maine, so I don't necessarily need to go to Iceland, so that's fine)


- Spend a week in the Outer Banks in the fall, when the water is still warm but the tourists aren't ALL there


- Scuba Dive somewhere (I might need to settle for snorkeling) but some kind of underwater activity involving pretty fish


- Ski. I'm from New Hampshire and I'm embarrassed to say that I have never skied. Ever.

- Go on a whale watching trip out of Monterey Bay. Maybe more than one. Have you seen the images from there? Amazing


- Ride horses again. I miss riding. Desperately. I also miss brushing them and cleaning stalls. I know, I'm nuts.


- Own a boat or jet ski. This one is petty and material, and I don't care. I want to experience the water with speed, not just my kayak.

- Same lines as above, I want a quad. I want to rip roar through the woods. Maybe I just want to rent one...


-Buy a house. Not just any house. A house I'll spend the rest of my days in and love that has a beautiful kitchen and a pool and comfy carpets. 

- Eat at at least one Gordon Ramsay Flagship restaurant

- Watch my daughter realize her full potential. This one is wrought with problems right? Will life happen while she's making plans? Will she end up doing what she wants by being a veterinarian? Probably... I want to see her do it, and see her kick ass at her own life.


- Be at peace with myself and give myself a break. This is a big one, and for anyone who knows me, one that I probably will never achieve despite my best intentions.


I'm sure that there are other things that I will put on my "list" as I become more geriatric, but its a start. What's on your list?


Till next time.....


Jenn

Like I really need to add something else to my plate, but I'm going to start blogging again! Coming Soon!

Unemployment....Days...Too Many to Count

Unemployment sucks.

The job troll continues...day in, day out.

Really trying to hold on to the hope that there is something better for me..

More to follow...

Unemployment---I've lost count of the days....16-38 or so.

Thomas Edison: ‘To have a great idea, have a lot of them’

 The key quality which sets the best companies from the rest of the field is creativity and the ability to think outside of the box. The businesses which simply follow the herd and do not attempt to do anything differently will never be the market leaders. Always look for a new angle or approach that will make a difference in the market place. I have always encouraged creative thinking among all my key managers. If you want to be truly different and the best at what you do then it is vital to have an open mind and be receptive to new ideas, concepts and approaches.

I read this quote on LinkedIn this morning in my morning troll for jobs, gossip, etc. It really justifies my thinking overall and how I approach jobs. There is always room for things to change and room for improvement.

While being unemployed has royally sucked, and I'm not sure which is worse....Unemployment or the gym, I can safely say that I have been able to really assess that I am an out of the box kind of person in many ways...and to try to force a job, especially one like product management or analysis into a box is just detrimental to the company and the human being. Of course, that is not saying that I am not willing to force myself into a box to accommodate a paycheck, but I think that I will continue to be moderately cautious of my choice in job that allows that creativity and allows me to really be me.

Back to the hunt...

So I've been Slacking....Unemployment Days 8-16

Sorry for the quietness. I have simply been job hunting, dog sitting, ingressing, and interviewing.  Honestly, I'm not even feeling wordy today. And...I have to get somewhere.

Some great interviews and some great contacts met...Learning a lot. Just nuts.

I will say this. Everything happens for a reason. People come and go in your life, and friends are the ones who are there to always listen. My time at Travelers, while valuable from a knowledge perspective, just was not meant to be, and I'm ok with that. I'm sad of course...I miss working and I miss my coworkers that I have some fantastic relationships with. But, many of those relationships aren't ending with my employment at Travelers ending....they are just taking a different path.

Thank you to all of you for your continued support. I cannot thank you all enough for your help and lending an ear.

Unemployment : Day 7

I truly will be making an effort to do this daily.

Day seven. Almost a week. As I type this, its literally 14 hours until exactly a week. *Sigh*. So depressing. I had a hard time last night, and even this morning, clearing out of my funk, to really focus on what is is. It was hard hanging up my clothes, but not picking out what to wear, etc.

My mom called around 915, and quickly reprimanded me to "get some spark in my bark" because I had a phone interview at 10. She's right, and I started to come around.

Interview went well. One step at a time. I suspect that my lack of degree will be a problem, but we'll see.

THEN! Networking pays off. I got an email from a resume that I sent to a carrier that I was given a contact to from someone I worked with at Travelers. In PERSON interview on Thursday. *JOY*

Then....I rearranged the kitchen counters and rearranged furniture in the kids room. Tomorrw is the living room and/or start on the attic, after my obligatory job hunt.

So, I'm hanging in there, albeit still really down that I was laid off in the future.  I wish that I had seen this coming.

Tomorrow...I get to have dinner with one of my favorite people. Currently, I'm dessert planning. I know what I'm cooking. Cannot wait!

Unemployment Days 1-6

As of you know, I was laid off from Travelers. Far cry from a post almost exactly a year ago when I knew exactly the plan and what I wanted to finish in the next five years. I was one of 500 now for layoffs and one of who knows how many in the future, as the company has indicated that more are coming.

Day One -- The actual Layoff

We were warned the day before Day One that it was coming. However, they did not give an indication as to who would be affected nor what divisions...or even how many. Just that it was coming as the company realized that we have taken too much rate and we needed to start taking rate back, which meant something else had to go which was expenses.

I"ll spare you all the gory details which entailed lots of tears and frustration on my part, but all in all, once I was called down, that was it. I didn't see my coworkers, or my desk, or even get my purse and sneakers. I was walked out 30 minutes after being called down, and the "walk of shame" has taken on an entirely new meaning. I know that I was one of 90 out of Connecticut, but that does little to lessen that I was one. I went to my mothers and started to mentally regroup. That meant calling unemployment and starting to piece together what was next. Thankfully, I had started updating LinkedIn the night before, and I always update my resume every 3 months or so, so I was ready to go.

Emotionally, I was devastated (still am, really). My friends at work were obviously upset...its hard when you lose a coworker like that. I think its harder for everyone, myself included, that when you put in 60-80 hour weeks, work weekends sometimes, work on PTO days, etc, that the ultimate sacrifice for you is your actual paycheck and job for the success of the product and company. I never realized when senior management kept saying that they wanted people to put the company first that the people who actually did would be the ones to go.

As the day went on, and I went home, I was able to finally start to mentally put together my plan of action and know that I"ll figure it out. There was a gamut of emotions from frustration, sadness, depression, anger, childish, etc. As the day also went on, more and more pieces started to come out of my coworkers with who the other casualties were, etc. I was very surprised at some of the casualties and some of the ones who were not. I was more surprised at the people that were chosen, whether random or not, and I wonder why people didn't fight for certain people. Ridiculously long day....and while I didn't think that I could sleep, I was all cried out, and passed out.

DAY Two -- Wound Licking

After a very sleepless night, I woke up very depressed. Understandable. For one of the first times in history, I didn't have a job to go to. I do not like the feeling. However, after wallowing for a little while, I pulled myself out of bed, grabbed the laptop, and started sending more emails and hunting for jobs. I spent the majority of the day applying for jobs and contacting people that I have worked with and have a friendship with. At the end of the day, I had 34 applications in. I felt moderately accomplished, but Wednesday was hard. I felt like (and still do) feel like a failure. Like I have let my parents and my family and my fiancé and my daughter down. Everyone, really. I know that this was something that will be corrected and will end up better in the end, but at the moment, and on day two, I felt pretty crappy.

DAY Three -- Game Face

Thursday was going to be interesting. Someone I had worked with was retiring, and her happy hour was Thursday. I debated and asked a lot of coworkers their opinions, and I got a mixed bag of Should GO and should NOT go. Finally, I decided to ask the guest of honor. Her opinion, which was almost immediate via email, was of COURSE I should go.

I'll spare you the gory details. It wasn't tons of fun. There were the start of tears from former coworkers, and lots of people came to visit. It was political. It was to let the Game Makers (hello Hunger Games reference) see that I was classy enough to face them and go to the party, and not let them see that I was devastated and hurt and that they truly needed and want me more than they thought.  Mission successful. It was actually a good thing, and I left feeling as though I was truly going to be OK and that my short presence at Travelers was impactful not only on myself, but also to many, many people around me. It seems as though people were rallying around me, people who have no skin in the game.

DAY Four -- Running

Friday had me running around. First crack out of the box I was on the computer and hunting. I posted for a few jobs, and picked up the house.  I went to my moms, had lunch with her to celebrate good news about my dad...and then...I GOT AN EMAIL! One of the many, many applications that I had put out were starting to PAN out.... Interview scheduled for Monday. Fingers crossed!

I sat in traffic for hours going to pick up Billy's little cousin who was spending the night with Allie, and came home. Relatively uneventful.

DAY Five and Six -- Weekends

Nothing exciting about weekends. Typical running, errands, laundry. We had a guest until tonight (sunday), so that enhanced the running. My car got fixed.

Sunday night-- And the sadness creeps in that tomorrow morning, while I have an interview, I do not have a job to go to. While everyone else is preparing to go to work or wherever, I'm not preparing to do anything. Again the feeling of letting my family and those people who believe in me down. I think that I'm going to end this post now and go to bed, in hopes that I'll be able to sleep my extreme moroseness and devastation and sadness off.


Day Seven..... Coming soon.

Goals..

Sorry that its been a while since I have blogged. Things have ben crazy busy and there has been a lot of time that I have not been able to turn on my computer, let alone sit and type. I have been trying to assimilate the future and what I want out of life, which is questionable at this point. But, what I do know is that there are several things that I want to accomplish in the near future (meaning 5 years or so). So, here goes...in no particular order....

-Graduate from college and walk at Graduation.
           *I'm 1/2 way there...
-Buy a house
           *The question is where said house will be
-Get Married
           *Contingent on buying a house. I cannot justify spending money on a wedding that could go to           a home.
-Earn $100k a year
            *Getting there. 5 years is a fair timeframe.
-Begin both books, but finish at least one
            *Concepts are there...just missing the actual book. Soon, I swear.

I was reading one of the magazine subscriptions that i get downloaded to my nook color (BEST THING EVER!). It happened to be Living Simple. Anyway, there is an essay contest that I think that I am going to enter. The topic is "Decisions you regret". While I have made many decisions that I regret, I choose to view some of them as catalysts for things that I dont regret.

These are the tips of the iceberg. I feel as though I should be destined to do a lot of things. I could not ever begin to list out the things that i want, or feel I need, or even do. I kow that at the end of the day, my biggest jobs are to provide for my family, take care of my family, and be everything I can be for my family. What do you aspire to be?

New Job!

It's been a while since i posted my cliff-hanger....Almost 2 months. But, I have a reason for being quiet for the last almost 60 days...I've just been too busy!

My cliff hanger was that I was leaving the Hartford after almost 7 years. My boss, who I appreciated and valued (still do, hes just not my boss anymore), left HIG, and there were some changes that were starting to make me uncomfortable in general. however, despite that, I was hesitant to leave HIG. I grew up in the organization and had scrapped just to get where I was....

I was approached in mid-January from a competitor that there was several openings that I may be curious about. That being said, I originally had no intention of leaving, but wanted to explore other opportunities just the same. I wanted to see what was out there, and see if I could grow futher in my career. I doubt that people generally choose that insurance will be their career, but I seem to have done that, and I think that its a good place for me to be. Anyway, several interviews later (about 13 hours worth), I was made an offer to go to the "evil red umbrella" competitor, and I accepted. I was to start on April 2. However, despite my best intentions to do the right thing to my home away from home (HIG), I ended up leaving there on the 16th of March, and started at Travelers on the 26th of March. Luckily, however, I was joined by some very good company, and my former colleague (boss, really, after my original boss left in Janaury) came too, and my original boss (who left in janaury) was already intrenched in the company.

Do I miss HIG? Sure. I miss the people. I miss the products that I grew up with, and knew backwards and forwards. THere is a certain amount of comfort in knowing the what, the where, and more importantly, the who to go to when you aren't 100% sure. I would be lying if I said that I didnt miss knowing the job and the products and the people. I miss the people that I know. thankfully, I have been able to keep in touch with most of them. I miss the company, although i do not miss the uncertainty that I feel/felt. I still feel a twinge of it, because, obviously, I'm invested in the company (my (sometimes) better half still works there), and I want the company to succeed. I just want to succed more.  Its that competitive streak that I want to be sure that we are #1 or #2 in an agents office. I felt the same competitive streak at HIG. Now its just for a different carrier.

I should clarify....I miss some of the people. I do not miss having to defend myself that I was "just from service". I do not miss the cliques and snottiness that a lot of people exuded at HIG. I always felt like I was never one of the popular kids, and that I never truly belonged.

However, I love my new role. Well, love might be a little strong, just because I am not fully comfortable yet. I am still learning the role, the customs, the culture. I'm learning about the product, whereas before I knew it probably better than most. I may have been learning Product Management, but I knew the process and the product inside and out. I'm a little out of my element at TRV just because I do not know any of the above. The hardest part is that I do not know the culture.

For example, i want to say that men have it very easy when they are getting dressed.  A button down or polo shirt, slacks, shoes, and out the door. A woman's clothing is much more involved. What kind of shirt is appropriate? What types of shoes? I have learned, quickly, that open toed shoes, of any variety, (with the exception of peep toe) are unacceptable in product management at TRV. That sucks. I have gorgeous wedges. That being said, heels are good, the higher the better. No wonder my feet hurt at the end of the day. Slacks are fine. i can get away with khakis once a week. So, I have invested in many button down shirts and short sleeved sweaters, and still wonder if I'm dressed appropriately, or if I'm sticking out like a sore thumb as the new kid. And worse, the fat new kid.  ARGH. Its a daily battle. Oh, and no jeans fridays. That is depressing. Maybe once the United Way thing comes through....

Anyway, as I start my 5th week at TRV, I'm hoping that I at least am up to their expectations...here's to hoping....

Changes possibly a comin'

I have a lot to say, but cannot say a lot of it yet. So, this is more of a cliffhanger post and when I can say more, I will.

Things are moving and shaking, and i'll just dispell any rumors now....NO, i'm not pregnant. NO, i'm not getting married tomorrow. NO, i'm not moving...YET.

More later!

Reflections on my life as I turn down the road to 30....

Next week is my birthday. Tuesday to be exact. I'll be 29.

***DISCLAIMER***This post is a self deprecating rant against myself and my lack of anything. You are forewarned, and continue to read at your own risk***********

I have spent the better part of at least a week being so depressed that it is my birthday, that I have taken little joy in anything, including Christmas. I took no joy in my Xmas tree. No joy in chow. No joy in anything. Of course, there were those minutes when I was happy about something. I was excited to get my new cell phone. I was excited to get a kitchenaid stand mixer (more about that in "The Mood of Food"). I was excited for barstools and to watch everyone open their gifts that I thought long and hard about purchasing. However, not a lot of joy without abandon on my part. Actually, I"ve been downright snarky, cranky, and depressed.
Why you may ask? Because I have been riddled with thoughts of what a LOSER I am and I'm turning 29. One year from 30. What, exactly, do I have to show for that?

Everyone has been telling me that I've accomplished a lot. What, exactly, I ask all of you, have I accomplished? I havent finished school. I will be stuck in my current role for at least 2.5 years while finishing my undergraduate degree (which in itself isnt a bad thing, but I generally have a 2 year shelf life in role before I start to get antsy.). I have no house. I have a car that I pay through the tail for. I have Allie (although she is up for sale to the highest bidder with her attitude lately). What have I accomplished? What milestones have I passed? Have I? Do people have reasons to be proud of me?

My answer to those questions is NOTHING and NO. Niente. Rien. Zilch. Nada.

What do I offer those people close to me? What do I offer Billy? Not much, other than me bitching 99% of the time about one thing or another. My parents? Nothing, other than me bitching 99% of the time. The rest of my family? Nothing really, not even bitching. Why do I bitch? Because I'm unhappy with what I'm offering people, but I dont know how to give more. I'm giving everything I've got, and I dont feel like its enough. Money? Sike. Not enough. Time? Sike. Between school, managing a house (for the most part), work, Allie, and sleep, there is not much of that left. Emotion? I feel like I am an emotional mute lately. I have nothing to offer anyone in that respect. Sharing in my success? What success?. Help? I cant help myself, let alone anyone else. I dont have a lot of true friends, and those I do have, I can count on one hand for people that I know I can reach out to, and even those, I feel as though I'm a bother.

I am feeling so incredibly inadequate. I dont feel pretty enough or thin enough or smart enough.I feel as though the axe is about to fall on me, and I have no way to move out of the way. I feel like i'm pushing everyone away because of my self-deprecating mindset.  I work with a bunch of people who are brilliant (and super nice to boot), but they are 25 years old, and have their whole life totally put togehter. Here I sit, on the brink of 29, with NOTHING. Nothing. NOTHING!

I told my mom earlier that I dont want to celebrate my birthday, and that I've been bummed for a week. I'm debating whether to send this to her to explain. Its really simple for someone to say that its mind over matter, but its not really an accurate statement. Mind is the matter in this case, and no matter how much I try to pull myself out of my birthday funk, I cant seem to. I feel as though I'm waiting for relationships to end and maybe in some subconscious way, I'm hoping they  will, because everyone who I have a relationship with can do so much better than me. They could have someone who is a better friend, pretty, and smart, and provides better.....God Knows I dont.

Did this make me feel better....to just throw all of this out there? No. I wish I was a turtle who could just hide in my shell.

And life goes on....

I dont have much to share....or rather that I can share. I just feel blah. Maybe its because i just ate 3 of my little mozzerella balls. Check out "The Mood of Food" if  you want to know more about my mozzerella balls. Maybe i'm bipolar or something.

blah.

Week one over......

I just finished my first week as a Market Product Analyst. I will say that this week was kind of difficult. Not bad difficult, just different difficult. My Assitant Product Manager is wonderful, and really tried to be sure that I felt at home and comfortable. I do think that I may have had higher expectations of what to expect, or rather what they expected, than they and I do. What I mean is that I think that I felt largely uncomfortable and sketched out because I spent a lot of time in actuarial meetings, where I just felt way over my head.

So, I tihnk that I will feel much better in week two, when my boss is back, and I'm entrenched in some training for rate manual updates and whatnot. I think that I will feel better when I have something to do during the day. And, I think that I'll feel better seeing as it will be week 2, and not the very first week. Maybe there will be a few things that I can sink my teeth into as well.

Do I miss PAC? Yes. i miss the people...Desperately. I miss being subject matter expert. I miss having good ideas, even though they are ignored. I miss that part of it. Do I miss the crazy calls? NO. Do I miss the insantiy? NO.

I think that the other part of my discomfort is that I am not used to having total control over my schedule. It doesnt matter if I oversleep one morning, I can go in a little later. I can work from home. I can go to lunch whereever and whenever my little heart desires.

It truly is a dream job, and a wonderful stepping stone to other things. I cannot wait to start stepping on more stones....I'm incredibly lucky.

Back into Blogging

So I started another blog about food, http://jvmoodoffood.blogspot.com/, which is about food, and this one will remain about me.

Todays topic is something I am looking forward to.

I'm looking forward to being caught up on bills and starting my new job. They come hand in hand, but they are definetly something that I cannot wait for. I'm a frequent flyer to Starbucks and love to eat out, and dammit, I can't wait for the day that I can go otu again, and not feel a twinge of guilt if I buy a venti iced nonfat carmel macchiato, which I currently do. It doesnt stop me, and I allow myself those pleasures, along with an every two month manicure, and hair highlights every 10 weeks. (I LOVE being blonde now as it is, anyway) I will be splurging on a staightening treatment for my hair which will allow me to have pretty hair all the time, not just some of the time. BUT, that has to wait, along with eating out, for some bills to be eliminated and the new job to start.

Officially, as of next saturday, I will be a Market Product Analyst for The Hartford's product management team. My state is Texas. Added bonus? I'll get to go visit my friends, who I miss dearly, and will be able to meet Baby Litchfield. YAYYYYYYY!.

Think I can convince my boss I should go on a research mission to Texas to meet with agents to discuss their ideas for bringing more business our way?

Decisions

I dislike making decisions. I always wonder if I am making the right choice, and how the choice that I make will affect me down the road. I do this with everything, from large life decisions to small, inconsequential, like where togo out on a date with Billy. I am an overanalyzer, which, is starting to make me feel like I"m very boring, and very fustrating.
I came to this realization over the weekend. The first indicator was that I overanalyzed Billy and I going out for an evening. When trying to decide what to do, I honestly sat here for 40 minutes analyzing the cost factors of both options, and how it was bad either way. I defer to Billy on most things, which drives him nuts, and, simply because I dont want to make the deicsion that may be wrong. I think this is a large part of why things with us can be so difficult....i fustrate him, and to be fair to him, i'm annoying as hell when it comes to stuff like htat. it is relatively inconsequential to me what we do, as long as I'm doing it with him. But, he wants me to make a decision, and I cant. Whats more, is I overthink things so much, and overanalyze them so much, that I am taking all of the fun and joy out of my life, and subsequently, his and Allies, and everyone around me.

Bad. Very Bad.

Then, thre are the big decisions, like this potential move to Charlotte. I have looked, analyzed, pro/con listed, cost analysis of EVERYTHING relating to this possible move. I dont  even know if I'm going to get the job, and I sure as hell dont know if i'm going to takeit.

I am an overthinker. And, an overanalyzer. Can I be changed? Can i find the joy in the good things in life without analyzing them to death? Can I save my relationships by changing? (see, I'm doing it again)

What I do....

I am a deal hunter. I do not care whether it is groceries, gas, clothes, electronics. Why am I like this? i am like this because I have expensive tastes and a paupers wallet. I want nice computers and clothes and expensive cars and jewelery, etc.

HOWEVER. Since I am trying to save for a house, I tend to not spend money on those things, or if I do, I try to find it as cheap as humanly possible. I am sharing this because of my wonderful success yesterday, and figured that I would share my winning glory with you.

so. Back in October, I was able to buy a 55" Samsung LCD HDTV with Wifi, etc, for $500 new. in . box. Deal of a century. This is normally a $3000 TV.  ha. I paid 16% of normal cost. YAY ME!

Pork Loin for $1.49/lb. WIN.

Latest and greatest.... Brand new with Tags North Face jacket, in red and black. Normal Retail: 198.00. Purchased on Ebay for $42.00 plus 8.00 shipping.

More to follow. I am the ultimate deal hunter.

New Jobs, Moving, and Dreams, Oh my!

Today's topic was supposed to be about goals, or so my listing of blog topics tells me, however, instead, I'm going to talk about the potential for a huge change in my, Billy's, and Allie's life.

As many of you know, I went to Charlotte about a week and a half ago. I went with my mom, and the purpose of the trip was to give her a feel, but to really also give me a realy feel of the area. The Hartford has an office in Charlotte, and that is where the majority of our commercial underwriting is (the career goal for now).
SO. in 3.5 days, I not only almost bought a condo, but I also got a very good feel of the area, and was able to get a good idea that I would be pretty happy there, as far as climate and cost.

however, when I came back, i decided that for now, I would lay low, and wait for the right time to move. IE, where there was a position for Billy to go to, even though i think that they would allow him to just move right into service. But, life is what happens while youre busy making plans.

On monday, a job was posted, for a small commercial underwriter, which has been the goal for about 2 years now. I have been stalled in my current role for underwriting, as they are looking for sales people who can underwrite, not necessarily a talented underwriter. I wanted to post for the job, but it starts in may, and the timing is not ideal. Billy, being as supportive as he is, told me to post regardless, and he and I will figure out us and Allie and financials.
So, after talking to a lot of people and looking for opinions, I posted for the job. If I get this job, and many people seem to think I will, I will mvoe to Charlotte, NC on the weekend of 05.21. Crappy Timing if you ask me. I might actually have to fly down, and fly back for the next weekend. Its Billys birthday. Unless, I can convince him to come down with me, and fly back on Memorial day. :-). That also being said, Allie will have to stay here until 4th of July weekend, so she can finish school.

So, to add further interest to this, HIG will give me 2k to relocate. I figure that can pay for a hotel for a few days, and then can pay for first months rent and some furniture. One can only hope.

So, I have a question for all of you. Would you move 750 miles away, alone, and wait for your fiance to hopefully come down later? Oh yeah, and away from your familiy too? I"m curious.

A little catch up.....

I haven't been blogging much, because I really fell like I haven't had much to share with the interwebs, but as I sit here this morning, I figure that my blog deserved a a little attention, which is why I'm typing.

So an update. Nothing new and exciting on the work front. Boring, actually. My boss continues to not acknowledge what I do, and I'm starting to get really gustrated. Which means that I am looking at other alternatives. However, they did just hire a new manager, and apparently, I will report to him. Of course, that is not without its concerns, as he is a new manager and really does not know as much about the product and the procedures as jason. However, while I am uncertain what the new manager has in store, or how he manages, I think that this is a good opportunity for me to show someone else what I am capable of.

School. I am now officially a sophmore which is a great accomplishment. I have a 4.0 GPA and was just advised that I made the deans list. I'm sure that many people never dreamed that would happen, and I am even happier that I am proving them wrong. Of course, it is not without its difficulties, as Allie is now refusing to plan for college right after high school. I'm trying to convince her to not be as stupid as me.

I am headed back to Charlotte in 5 days, and I'm planning on flying out of New Haven on Friday. My mom and I both are going, as she seems to think that Charlotte might be a good alternative for them to look at as well. We are looking at a house that I have had my eyes on for about 9 months now, and cannot wait to actually see it in person. The hard part is if i really fall in love with the house, then what. I will say that, my new boss appears to be relatively amenable to the possibility of me working in Charlotte. So. We shall see what happens. I am not making any anythings to anyone. Que Cera Cera...what will be will be.

Anyway, I have to go to the store, andI'm on the prowl for a dresser and a dining room hutch, to house all my kitchen porn. Have to run. I promise I'll blog again soon.

What I believe.......

Thats a loaded blog topic and can mean a lot of things. While I am not particularly religioius, I do believe in a lot of things. I'm not going to make this about religious beliefs, because those are to each their own, and while I believe in God, I do not necessarily reference God in my every day comings and goings. So, here are some of the things that I believe and I believe in.

I believe in hard work. I am a firm believer in workaholicism. Want me to syllabize that for you? work-a-holic-ism. I belive, that in many cases, work comes ahead of most other things. when there is work to be done that comes ahead of vacations. The only time that fluctuates is when you desperately need a mental health day and you cant stand it any more and/or you have a family situation that needs your attention. I believe in working more than 8 hours a day and working hard. Not that there is not time to goof off, but work needs to be important. And, to me it is. Anyone who knows me knows that I believe this in my every day life, and that I am constantly at work. For example, I had a nervous breakdown the other day when it snowed so much that I could not get to work. For a workaholic, that is devastating. it was.

I believe in love. I'm finding out now exactly how to love, and love unconditionally, love without reservations, and love freely. I have always felt as though to love openly, wihtout reservation, showed a lack of control. i'm infamous for keeping relative check on all emotions with the exception of anger and fustration. I'm learning to control those as well in my older, advanced age, but love? Love has always been elusive. At least with how to show it and how to do it...love without abandon. I think that Billy can begin to attest that romantic love, I'm beginning to love freely. My parents? they are starting to realize that I love them freely as well.

I believe in suffering. That does not mean that I suffer. I dont. But, there is a small amount of sufferage. There are things I want...a house, a Kitchen Aid mixer, a Jeep Wrangler, a horse. I have to wait. I have to suffer without them. I have to wait and earn the money for them. I believe that unless you pine for something, and you wait for it, it wont mean as much as if it was just handed to you. Although, there is something to be said about just getting it as well. Depends on what it is,I guess.

I believe in growing up. I believe in not relying on parents for everything. There are parts of me that desperately want and need to move away, to prove to myself and everyone else, that I can and will stand on my own two feet. Without my parents 20 minutes away. Granted, I would miss my family, but in reality, I think that for me to really feel grown up (although, hopefully not looking like i'm old!). I do not want to be associated as my parents daughter. I want to be known as just me and for my own successes and failiures and for my own financial steadfastness.

Lastly, I believe that I'm getting it right. I believe that I'm finding my way in a very difficult world and a more difficult ecomony. I believe that I have what I'm supposed to have and that everything happens for a reason. I believe that I'm destined to do great things. I believe that I keep people in my life who bring value to it.  I believe that without those people in my life, doing what they have done and what they do do, they have made me the person I am. And you know what, I'm ok with that.

Today 12/16/2010

Today I had lunch with my former boss and two of her friends and an agent of hers. My boss is leaving permanently on Sunday and moving to Florida. Lucky Bitch. I will still have email access to her and cell access, but she is no longer 20 minutes down 84 where I can show up with Sushi and have her be my sounding board.

My boss has been a constant in my life since I came to the Hartford. She was the one that I interviewed with for  CCSS in Southignton, and she didnt want to hire me. Why, I'll never know, but she didnt. Her boss hired me. Regardless, once he put me on her team, I have been one of her biggest champions and she mine. She has taken me from being a totally immature workaholic to only a semi-immature workaholic. I kid. I'm still immature, but I can now portray a totally professional demeanor.

Of course, it was not without its trials and errors. I more than once, in her boss' hearing told her to go F herself, and I more than once cried in her office after she told me how it was. I more than once told her that I hated her for her being so demanding and loud, and I more than once told her how much her faith has meant to me.

But, I can honestly say now, 5 years later, that she has created a work monster. I am a workaholic, always have been, but now I'm one that can be hired anywhere. Once she told me I didnt get a position because her boss didnt think that i would be able to keep my mouth shut in a meeting, and that I was a loose cannon. I still am to a certain extent, but as I proved today, i can sit quietly, without any ADD moments, and totally kick ass.
As I sit at my desk, since i"m leaving momentarily, I'm reading some of the things that she has given me and written for me...

"jenn, parting with you is not sweet sorrow. We have been together through so much. I mwill miss your support and dedication to me. I am extremely proud of you. I know that you will be very successful."

"Jenn, i wanted to remind you that I value everything that you bring,,even your ADHD. I look forward to continously kicking you in the behind to be as successful as possible"

I'm not successful by any means, but I consider myself valuable, and without her, I wouldnt be, and I certainly would not be looking down the barrel of a ginormous interview that I might actually stand a chance. And I certainly would not bewho I am today.

Even after not working for Katrina for almost 2 years, she still supports me, still listens, yells at me, and coaches me. I will be eternally grateful to her for that....and words cannot express how much I will miss her.